Brighter

When I first laid eyes on him, it felt like I’d been struck by lightning. A shockwave radiated through my body, from my pounding heart to the tips of my toes. In that moment, I was completely and irrevocably swept away by him. He was my kryptonite. I felt weak when he was around, my legs became jello when he spoke. His vibrant blue eyes dazzled me into a stupor, one that I did not wake from for many years.

I should have known that everything about him was designed to draw me in; as the Venus Fly Trap lures flies to their doom, so was I captured and enslaved by his predatorial magnetism.

He made me wholly dependent on him, emotionally, mentally, physically. His presence breathed life into my soul, and when he was absent from me, I felt the distance acutely and painfully. I was as dependent upon him as a vine wrapped around a tree. He was a parasite, sucking my life, my will, my personality out of me even as he rendered me inexplicably in raptures over my love for him.

My love was pure. It coursed through my veins, it gave me life. My love rendered me helpless. My love made me blind.

Because I loved him, I ignored aspects of our relationship that were not only unhealthy, but that crushed my self-esteem, my confidence, my personal sense of well-being and worth. In some ways, I grew as a result of my relationship with him, but in many others, I lost myself to him.

I was but a shell of myself. He stole my happiness, because he made me dependent on him for joy. He created a personal solar system for us and made himself my Sun. Without him, there was no life, no light, no warmth. Without him, all was blackness and cold and desolation.

A shadow always cast a pall over my soul and mind whenever he wasn’t around; I was rendered numb and devastated whenever he was taken with a bad mood.

My days revolved around his, and I existed in a parasitical symbiotic state, completely dependent upon him for my happiness and sanity. He had revealed to me that some of the things I did or said brought on bouts of depression in him, and so for three years I counted my footsteps and tiptoed around him, always feeling acutely conscious of the effects my actions had upon him. I tested each step with trepidation, always worrying that the floor would fall through right beneath my feet.

I was in a naïve state of happiness, leashed to him as I was and thinking that having an electric shock collar around my neck was normal. My friends accused me of losing my mind to this charismatic sociopath, but I swore I was fine because I truly believed it.

I lived in a chess game of fluctuating rules, never knowing which move to make where I would finally win and be happy. How are you supposed to win at a game when your opponent asserts himself as a god and knows all the moves to make?

My mind was clouded by a blinding optimism that insisted on seeing the good and pure in everyone. He grasped onto my naiveite and manipulated and deformed it so that it masked the true man beneath the façade. He relished in gaining my love because his existence revolves around a driven desire to make others completely dependent upon him; he loves to be adored, to be desired, to be wanted.

He was an expert at manipulating my perceptions of reality, at gaining my sympathy and wielding that as a means of explaining away his actions. He always had the right answers, and he was an expert at “sorry”. He had a way of bringing out the gray in a black and white reality, blurring the lines between the good and the evil to the point that I existed in a limbo of gray fog.

I barely escaped with my mind and my sanity from his clutches, barely saved from a lifeless existence as a slave to his desires. Since I broke the shackles that bound me, my mind has been slowly awakening from a deadened existence, my sight clearing as though I had been squinting at life from behind a thin veil.

I am better and stronger now that I am free from that predatorial relationship. My life’s blood has been returned to my veins, my heart beating stronger than before, broken as it is. I’m shining like fireworks, brighter than before and outshining even him and his hold on me.

Stay free.
K ❤

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