Living Nightmare

I don’t deserve a fairy tale life,
Prince Charming won’t come for me,
Living in a hurricane of lies
No one will ever see.
Karma’s a b****,
And I know she’s coming for me.
The world would call me a witch,
If they knew of my deeds;
Would burn me alive,
And I’d be deserving.

Wake up, cold sweat,
This nightmare is my life,
Can’t sleep, can’t breathe,
My acts torturing my mind,
Can’t trust, can’t hope,
Can’t allow myself to fall in love,
Because I know what I’ve done,
And no matter how fast,
How far, how long I run,
I’ll never forgive myself.

I’m my own worst nightmare,
A mermaid-turned-siren,
My heart laid bare,
Until it turned to iron.
Trembling hands, blood red,
Holding the smoking gun.
I terrify myself,
A Delilah, Jezebel,
Condemning myself to Hell.

Wake up, cold sweat,
This nightmare is my life,
Can’t sleep, can’t breathe,
Memories torturing my mind,
Can’t trust, can’t hope,
Can’t allow myself to love,
Some days, I wish I could lay down and die,
Because no matter how hard,
How much I plead or cry,
I’ll never forgive myself.

Karma is chasing me,
Breathing fire,
Burning me,
A human pyre,
Can’t love,
Can’t dream,
Can’t hope,
Ripped at the seams,
Because I don’t deserve a family,
No, I don’t deserve anything.

Wake up, cold sweat,
This nightmare is my life,
Can’t sleep, can’t breathe,
My acts torturing my mind,
Don’t trust, don’t hope,
I don’t dare to fall in love,
Because God knows what I’ve done,
And no matter how hard,
How much I plead or cry,
I won’t,
I can’t ever bring a child
Into this life.
I’m the ghost of my own nightmares.

I know these things aren’t true. I know they’re what my demons whisper in my ear to tell me I’m not good enough. But the constant condemnation, deprecation, and repression can wear down even the most resilient of hearts. These words cause me to trip and fall, to doubt myself and those whom I love, to hide within my walls and burn those who come close. These words are javelins to my heart, knives in my back, cold hands around my neck. 

When I fell, I fell hard, and stones were cast on my body in condemnation. Dissociating from my form, I could only watch as I was beaten, battered, bruised, and broken. As a ghost, I hid from myself and watched the world pass by. But I’ve come into myself fully me, no longer one half of a whole, but imperfectly and wholly myself. I had to lose him to find me, in the darkness I found myself, and somehow that was everything.

 

Praise for the Author?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s